Monday, August 23, 2010

The Toll of Summer

Summer takes a real toll on me. We have difficult summers here. By here I simply mean in the lives of the Stewart family. Ryan moves to camp the second week of June and for the next 8 weeks I go into survival mode. This summer seemed the hardest so far.

I am not sure what was more difficult about this summer. This is our third summer doing the summer camp director thing and the toughest for me physically and emotionally. The first summer I had just had Oscar, who was in the NICU until 2 days before Ryan moved to camp. You might think that summer would have been the worst. Then last year I was working full time and pregnant with Hallie. You also might think that would have been tougher. This summer we had 4 small children, I worked full time, and honestly I just didn't feel that hot.

I can't pinpoint it. I just know it was tough. I missed Ryan so much, even though I saw him every day. It just wasn't the same. We ate the same meals in the same dining hall as we did every year and yet this year I was hungrier. I was lonlier at home. I felt more on edge with the kids. My body literally ached every day.

I tried at first to continue the diet I had begun last spring and finally I just gave up. I gave up with gusto. I decided that this summer had a name and the name was "The Summer of Gluttony." I gave in to every craving. I gave in with gusto. (I like that word) It really was one of the only things that made me feel better. And now, I am so ready to diet. I really think it worked. Giving in to the cravings and doing what I thought I wanted at the time made me realize what I really want. To be healthy.

This week I am beginning anew the search for what that means to me. I don't think that means I will be model thin. I do think it means I will be thinner.

I just know that I'm ready and that feels good.


Not Just Another Jennifer said...

That is so awesome. I'm at a point where I want to lose weight/eat healthier/exercise, but I don't want it enough to make it happen. I know if I try without wanting it badly enough, I'll fail, and it will just make it worse. I know that sounds like a cop-out, like I must not really want to or else I would just do it. But you have to know yourself and be honest with yourself. Good for you!

Shaylynn said...

Mom's.. working mom's.. it is the hardest job in the world.

I may be sexist but I think it is so much harder to be a woman when it comes to food and dieting and self image and happiness.

You're wonderful Ruth. I don't know how you juggle any of it. Four perfect little kids, that is not easy. Not easy. I don't know how you do it. I've had a summer of eating whatever I desire as well.. it's freeing, but now come fall, its time to be healthy.

I'm not fat for my height. I'm short for my weight.