So tonight I watched Autism: the musical. It was touching, heartwrenching, moving, and just good to watch. Did it make me cry? Of course it did, come on, this is me we're talking about! But it wasn't always a bad cry. Some of these kids made me so happy just watching them.
Griffin is like that. Just watching him from across the room can put a huge smile on my face. He is one in a million. He, like other autistic kids, has sensory issues. He will allow you to touch him but within his own rules. He is very cuddly, loving and sweet. Tonight I asked for a kiss. He kissed my knee, which is something he does when he is not comfortable at that moment kissing your lips. I asked for a kiss on the lips and he gave me such a knowing look. In that look I read, "Mommy. I love you but I just can't do that right now. It's more than I can give." Ryan tricked him and told him he had a secret for him and then gave him a big kiss on the lips. He is able to laugh about it.
We had to get the tire fixed the other day and I took Griffin with me to have the mechanic put the newly fixed tire on the car. He was so impressed with all the cool tools and the big tires. When the mechanic took the tire off he was shocked and said, "Why did he take our tire! Oh No!" I explained that he was helping us fix the car and he said, "Oh, thank you sir. Thank you so much, sir." I loved watching it.
Later the mechanic asked what school Griffin goes to and when I told him and explained that he was autistic he said, " I thought he might be."
Why is it that it was upsetting to me? I guess while he was still so little most people just thought he was being a little kid. The older he gets, the more pronounced his behaviors will be. It was the first time that a stranger said that to me after just seeing him for a few minutes. It was tough for me.
One of the parents on this movie tonight said that they only have nightmares when they think of their child's future and their constant goal is to do whatever it is that will prepare their child better for that future. He said if he could find the one thing that would make her ok when he was gone he would do anything to get that thing. I know exactly what he means. I try not to think about the future as it is completely unknown.
Griffin may be just fine and that is what I am working towards. So many steps to get to the goal.
(Evan and Griffin were having so much fun taking these pictures!)For the most part I am fine. Griffin is fine and happy and doing exceptionally well. But, like all parents of a disabled child, I have my moments of grief. I cry. I mourn. I ache for my child. I ache for Ryan and I. I ache for his brothers who don't always understand why Griffin gets treated differently. But in the end I know that tomorrow he will wake up grinning and will make me smile again.
Another parent in this show said something that to me was profound. "Why is it up to me to decide the quality of her life?" It isn't. Griffin is happy and he has always been one of the happiest children, from birth he was grinning. He loves life, and so do I.