Monday, August 23, 2010

The Toll of Summer

Summer takes a real toll on me. We have difficult summers here. By here I simply mean in the lives of the Stewart family. Ryan moves to camp the second week of June and for the next 8 weeks I go into survival mode. This summer seemed the hardest so far.

I am not sure what was more difficult about this summer. This is our third summer doing the summer camp director thing and the toughest for me physically and emotionally. The first summer I had just had Oscar, who was in the NICU until 2 days before Ryan moved to camp. You might think that summer would have been the worst. Then last year I was working full time and pregnant with Hallie. You also might think that would have been tougher. This summer we had 4 small children, I worked full time, and honestly I just didn't feel that hot.

I can't pinpoint it. I just know it was tough. I missed Ryan so much, even though I saw him every day. It just wasn't the same. We ate the same meals in the same dining hall as we did every year and yet this year I was hungrier. I was lonlier at home. I felt more on edge with the kids. My body literally ached every day.

I tried at first to continue the diet I had begun last spring and finally I just gave up. I gave up with gusto. I decided that this summer had a name and the name was "The Summer of Gluttony." I gave in to every craving. I gave in with gusto. (I like that word) It really was one of the only things that made me feel better. And now, I am so ready to diet. I really think it worked. Giving in to the cravings and doing what I thought I wanted at the time made me realize what I really want. To be healthy.

This week I am beginning anew the search for what that means to me. I don't think that means I will be model thin. I do think it means I will be thinner.

I just know that I'm ready and that feels good.

Evan's note

This summer Evan left me a note on a a 3x5 card left on the kitchen table resting against a diet soda he had gotten out of the fridge for me. Does he know his mommy, or what?

This is what it said.

" I love you so much. I just love you so so much. I just love you mom. Sometimes I miss you at daycamp but you come back to pick me up.
Love: Evan To: Ruth "

He can melt my heart. What a wondeful boy.

I'm not fat for my height. I'm short for my weight.